Quick Feedback: It’s not me, it’s you.

Many years ago my art director shared with me a one-panel cartoon from an alternative newspaper that flipped the graceful, “not your fault”  break-up script on its head.  In it, one figure was addressing another, with a straightforward “It’s not me, it’s you.”

If you’ve ever participated in a 360° review — where those you report to and those who report to you are encouraged to compare notes to your own self-assessment — you know how potentially traumatizing the event can be. We are all the star of our own bio-pic, and for even the more modest of us, prone to to thinking of ourselves on our own hero’s journey. Resolving the delta between our self-conception and how we are perceived can (and is) accurately compared to the stages of grief, cycling between denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You probably know your shoe size, but likely were unaware there were feet of clay inside them.

Complicating the receipt of such information can be the lack of skill in those who provide it, whether they be a trusted friend, co-worker or impatient driver behind you. Our gut reaction in a world of unsolicited criticism is protect ourselves, dismiss our interlocutor’s comment or intent, and tamp down that feeling of “not quite good enough.” There may be a transitory pang of minor guilt (think of every post-cleaning lecture by the dental hygienist about your flossing frequency), but in general our natural tendency is to do nothing constructive with the feedback received.

This pocket-veto of potentially useful information can have dramatic effects in both one’s personal and professional life. Defensiveness is not an appealing or expansive trait; it poisons the ground for growth. Think back to the best and worst performance review you’ve received — likely there was a balanced celebration of achievement and future challenges in the former and a lack of content, thought or strategy of improvement in the latter. Worse, the higher you rise in the hierarchy, the less likely it is that you will receive unguarded input — hence the occasional but often difficult deployment of 360° reviews. Yet positively expressed corrective feedback is often cited as more effective and desired than simply positive feedback (which can often feel a lot like a participation trophy).

So how do develop a mindset and methodology where criticism is constructive and enables growth rather than crushing morale and terminating motivation? Rewiring our natural defensiveness starts with defining our terms and adhering to language that allows the listener to hear what is intended to be liberating rather than condemning. A recent piece by the Harvard Business Review (How Leaders Can get the Feedback the Need to Grow https://hbr.org/2023/03/how-leaders-can-get-the-feedback-they-need-to-grow) provides a wonderful glossary and overview of how to begin to embrace a growth mindset that is predicated on embracing constructive feedback and supportive of team dynamics. It encourages you to embrace “Radical Candor” — an outlook that assumes bad news is the best possible, as it provides an opportunity for improvement and growth.

How we look and express that radical candor matters. We’ve all had the experience of relatives, friends, acquaintances or co-workers who want to be the first to deliver bad news — without a constructive component to complement it. By using framing questions, empathy and an approach tailored to the individual, we can move beyond the shame, anger, depression or a host of other negative feelings weighing down a person or team and move that focus to a phase of engagement and active problem-solving. If we do that repeatedly, we build a team dynamic where openness about “bad” news becomes an opportunity for improvement and ultimately excellence, rescaling what may previously have seemed like a yawning abyss of despair and defeat to a pothole that can be spanned with appropriately scaled emotional resources.

It can initially be a heavy lift — moving from black-and-white knee-jerk reactions to a more nuanced approach with an expanded managerial vocabulary is a process more than an immediate implementation. But by developing an understanding of the different types of feedback and employing them as needed in a manner similar to the different types of guidance you provide as a leader, it ultimately strengthens and encourages your growth. Even during a 360° review.